Might come in handy. Whoever posted this, THANKS A LOT!

gordon ramsey: is the food good here?

underpaid server: 

My favourite thing about that show is how he treats servers. It was also the source of some very intense fantasies when I was a barista of him busting into my cafe, calling my boss a fucking idiot, then taking me against the broken dishwasher.

Just found out my facebook birding group is public because my cousin (a lawyer who is not into birds) casually said to me “saw you couldn’t identify a willet the other day… pretty embarrassing”

In the dog world, humans are elves that routinely live to be 500+ years old.

“They live so long…but the good ones still bond with us for our entire lives.” 

“These immortals are so kind we must be good friends to them”

My heart wtf

Not gonna lie, this fucked me up a bit.

POV Fantasy slice of life book when?

“Now I am old. The fur around my muzzle is grey and my joints ache when we walk together. Yet she remains unchanged, her hair still glossy, her skin still fresh, her step still sprightly. Time doesn’t touch her and yet I love her still.”

“For generations, he has guarded over my family. Since the days of my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather he has kept us safe. For so long we thought him immortal. But now I see differently, for just as my fur grows gray and my joints grow stiff, so too do his. He did not take in my children, but gave them away to his. I will be the last that he cares for. My only hope is that I am able to last until his final moments. The death of one of his kind is so rare. The ending of a life so long is such a tragedy. He has seen so much, he knows so much. I know he takes comfort in my presence. I only wish that I will be able to give him this comfort until the end.”

SHOOK

i want your lmao on my desk in one hour

this clip from make some noise s1e8 with oscar montoya and brennan lee mulligan is the only super mario bros content i care about personally

brennan lee mulligan has the greatest superpower: the unlimited ability to make an absolutely off-the-cuff monologue and then follow it up with the ultimate turnaround.
he can share the power with others

but credit also needs to be firmly planted in the hands of oscar for hearing the prompt say "dramatic video game cutscene" and then going "got it, mario and luigi."

me and my monkeyyyyyy

I need a little help here

Good morning to the trans man loudly slamming his girlfriend in the bunk above convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell, and ONLY the trans man loudly slamming his girlfriend in the bunk above convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell

I dreamed that I was playing mariokart and there was a track that took 3 days to complete and when I somehow managed to get 1st place a popup came onscreen that had a pic of koopa troopa and text that read “congratulations!! you’re gonna have so much sex” and I started laughing so hard I woke up

Sometimes twitter be hitting

This is even funnier with context attached